Hard decisions

 My dear friends and clients:

I have been privileged to able to treat you for 8 years. That is not in many ways a very long time period, but looking back, it feels like a half of my life. Maybe I feel that way because the other half of my life started when I moved to US. And that happened 2012. That is whole 10 years. I had no idea where my life would take me in the new country, but overall I think I did good. I feel very much at home in States at the moment although there will always be a longing back home - Finland. I am still more Finnish that American and we just have to accept that.

I have learned end experienced so much! I have evolved and being frustrated. I have powerfully pushed forward and achieved. I have been disappointed and what is the most important, I have learned to slow down and listen to, not only my clients bodies, but also my own. So, what it my body telling me (other than feeling so inadequate in written English)?

I have pains and aches like most probably all of us in this age. My back is doing pretty well, but my shoulders tho... they give me constant numbness, achiness and feeling of heaviness. Like, I really have no energy to lift my arms most of the mornings. Yes, I know my routines to help me get going, I know what to do and what to eat for a healthy lifestyle and definitely am not giving up on me. But then I am thinking that if any of my clients would describe the symptoms I am having, I would strongly suggest lessening the workload. At least finding a less strenuous job if nothing else. The question is: do I listen to my own advice?

I love what I do! There is no other way to say it. I feel deeply connected and such a pride of the fact that I am doing something good; that I am helping, and there is no better feeling than that. I want to keep working!

But I can not handle it anymore.

There it is. The sentence that has been lingering above my head for a long awhile. And of course I want to take it back. I don't need to publish this post... 

But hiding won't help me in any way. I already may have ruined my upper back and neck for life and the question is, is it worth it? I truly don't know. 

I don't know what will happen in the fall. 

As of now, my thinking is that I will see how my body adjusts to being work free for 6-8 weeks. I might feel like a new born and (over)book my calendar in September. I may find more Finnish classes to teach, so that I won't have time to treat clients. I may stay in Finland if the climate there suddenly changes to subtropical... I may feel overly energized and finally just use the modalities that are less strenuous to my body. I might truly start my third career and find a living in writing (in Finnish).

I am not able to make the terrifying, long lasting decision of quitting (that is truly how it feels), so I am doing something that is even more scary for me: I am gonna leave it open! 

If you are in my loop, I will text you in September and let you know. Most probably I will still work a day or two every week, but there is a big part of me who wants, finally, to be brave enough to make the bold move: to do something that is just best for me. Just me and nobody else.  

What truly is Kata's Way ponders Kata who has always had it her way. Balanced is Painless.